The Internet: a survival guide
Everything you need to know to waste your time on the World Wide Web
BY Richard Poplak
Illustration by Matthew Daley
My introduction to the internet came in my final year of university, in 1995, by way of my roommate Dave. He explained to me that he could now receive written messages from his classmates through his computer—instantly. This seemed unnecessary. “Why can’t they just call you?” I asked. Well, what if they wanted to send files? “Get them to meet you at the coffee shop,” I advised. Despite my continued derision, Dave stuck with the internet, his computer screeching and warbling late into the night as his modem struggled for a connection. “You’re wasting your time,” I insisted (I now freelance as a long-range weather forecaster for the Weather Network).
Turns out, Dave was right about the ’net. By all accounts, it’s here to stay. Developed by the US military so that bored commanders could send each other jokes of the day while they remotely bombed mounds of rubble in far off countries, it was perfected by the porn industry, so that bored teenagers could send each other astounding acts of depravity performed by women in far-off countries. Indeed, the World Wide Web’s influence has been felt, well, worldwide—one of those rare fads that, unlike Cabbage Patch Kids or longboarding, has lasted longer than a Christmas shopping season. Not just an excellent source of pro-teen, the ’net is an ever-changing meta-universe, one that has fundamentally altered the way we live: Napster changed the way we stole music, eBay changed the way we bought vials of celebrity blood, blogs have changed the way pathological narcissism manifests itself. But with well over 5,000 websites on the internet, how is one to keep up with this fluctuating cyberuniverse?
The Information Superhighway moves quickly, and far too many of us got off at Email Interchange, travelling no farther. Perhaps you’d love to visit some of the sites or try out some of the new technology that you’ve heard tech-savvy friends and colleagues speak of, but you feel the moment has passed you by. If that’s the case, this little primer is for you. Here is an overview of the internet, circa 2006 (which means, of course, that this service piece is already horribly outdated):
YouTube (www.youtube.com) On a recent visit to YouTube, I watched a video on how to open a beer the Scandinavian way (with another beer, as it turns out), another video of a Thai fellow in hotpants catching a snake in his mouth and something called Boobarella Loves Vagina, which I didn’t understand.
YouTube functions as a repository of captured digital video so that it can easily be sent, received and shared over the internet. Anyone can post—so all those nuggets of genius that would otherwise disappear into the cyber-ether are available for our consumption. Example: Cancelled sitcom Nobody’s Watching (by the creator of Scrubs). Axed by cable network WB in July, the show reached an astonishing 300,000 downloads within weeks of being available through YouTube, as new fans sent links to fans-to-be. Nobody’s Watching may soon find a home on cable, all because of YouTube and you. But before anyone gets too excited, for the most part, almost all the original content on YouTube resembles the classic Springfield Film Festival entry, Hans Moleman’s Man Getting Hit With Football. To quote Homer—“The ball! His groin!—it works on so many levels.” Utility: 4/10 Time waster: 9/10
MySpace (www.myspace.com) Everyone has a MySpace page. By everyone, I mean everyone—from Madonna to Stephen Harper to that little guy who occasionally sits next to you on the bus. But the guy who owns every Myspace page is Rupert Murdoch—head of dark media empire News Corp. He thought the site was so relevant that he dropped close to US$600 million on it. Here’s why:
MySpace is a vast online community—with close to 14 million hits a month, it’s the number one most-visited site on the web. The site’s ingenuity rests on a simple and elemental principle of the internet: connectivity. MySpace networks like with like. You’re a cheese fondue fan? Great. Post your page, include your fondue fetish in your profile, and hey, presto! You’re linked to another 70,000 online cheese fondue fanatics. The site is especially relevant to musicians—indie or otherwise—because it includes the ability to post and stream music (or video) content with ease, thereby allowing them to reach an international fanbase with zero marketing costs.
But the good old days are waning. In July of this year, News Corp. pulled a video posted by a young man named Andrew Raff, who satirized the (slightly misinformed) description of the internet by US Senator Ted Stevens as a “series of tubes.” A case of Murdoch and Co. protecting their political interests? Perhaps. Sinister? Indeed. Utility: 8/10 (but waning, especially if Rupe takes a dislike to your sense of humour) Time waster: 9/10
Wikipedia (www.wikipedia.org) Wikipedia is a collaboratively written online encyclopedia. According to several reports, Wikipedia is no more inaccurate than those sets of Encyclopedia Britannica that used to sit gathering dust in your parents’ basement. Those old tomes, however, did not contain comprehensive entries on the likes of Lindsay Lohan (“she is the eldest child of Michael and Dina—nee Sullivan—Lohan”), the Manila Light Rail Transit System (“popularly known as the LRT”) and spit (“Spit was the successful debut album by Kittie, a Canadian alternative metal all-female band from London, Ontario”). From the sublime to the ridiculous—and with 1,260,000 entries in English alone—Wikipedia covers it all.
The site is operated by a software called “wiki” (taken from the Hawaiin “wiki-wiki,” which means “fast”), which allows multiple users to update information without registering as administrators or requiring any boring technical know-how. Very simply—Wikipedia is a user-maintained database that’s easy to update, easy to navigate and easy to use. A free flow of data is constantly updated and policed by those who use the site.
But this does not stop naughty readers from vandalizing Wikipedia by posting fallacious or downright misleading info (the site, however, gets grumpy if you do this, and bans you from further contributions). Still, it’s fun reading about hard-partying hotel heiresses in the same dry tones Wiki collaborators use for, say, the pancreas. Utility: 9/10 (but back those sources up, folks) Time waster: 4/10
BitTorrent In the past five years, peer-to-peer networks have created about 10 million new criminals. Don’t have cable? No problemo—you’re sure to find a decent download of HBO’s Deadwood, season two on a BitTorrent site somewhere on the net. The point of television, at least for those who make it, is to provide a venue for those who wish to sell soap and candy bars and motor cars. Needless to say, those who upload TV shows on peer-to-peer networks don’t include the commercials. There’s only one winner in this equation, and for a change, it’s the good guy.
BitTorrent sites are much like Napster was in the good old days—a free way to compress and download a massive amount of information, the point of which is to share it with as many others as possible. Say 10 Hail Marys after using. Utility: A solid 10/10 Time waster: Depends on what you’re ripping.
Podcasts In the spirit of pirate radio, where some husky-voiced iconoclast would rant about his pet peeves between playing hard-to-find punk 7-inches, comes the podcast! But podcasts are much more than that. Any audio—from a cribbed Radiohead concert to a rant by a Fox News neo-con to an old radio drama from the ’40s—can be downloaded onto your mp3 player and listened to anytime, anywhere. Anyone can podcast. All you need is a computer, a microphone and the free, downloadable software.
During the recent CBC lockout, a number of workers kept their chops up by using this medium as a little dig at management. Considering the fact that they were doing perfectly serviceable broadcasts without legions of producers, tons of equipment and a paycheque, I’m not sure they did themselves any favours. Like any online technology, you have to be careful how you use it. You could end up downloading yourself out of a job. Utility: What the heck, 7/10 Time waster: 6/10
One of the primary things I noticed while researching this article: Everything that comes with a dot com or org or net or ca or whatever will rob you of hours of your life. Back in my university days, Dave assured me that the internet would increase my efficiency across the board. That’s because he couldn’t envision YouTube. “You’re wasting your time,” I told Dave. I still stick by that.
Oooh!—gotta run. I made an eBay bid on one of Jennifer Aniston’s toenail clippings, and it looks like I’m a winner!
