There’s Been a Terrible Mistake
Poetry by Jeff Pew
Don’t get me wrong.
I appreciate the applause
and everything you’ve done:
the mini-golf coupons, the hooker
you sent to my room last night,
those kind letters to my mother,
apologizing for when I stole her cigarettes.
This Anne Murray paperweight
will make a perfect gift for my son.
But, you’ve got the wrong guy.
I pilfer funds from Tsunami relief.
As a kid, I avoided milk.
I giggle when a robin crashes into a window,
mistakes itself for an enemy.
I can’t fix things when they break.
This is a rental tuxedo.
If you check under your seats,
you will see I have nothing to offer.
Look beside you: your date is a stranger.
The building we are in has escaped.
My feet are too big for these shoes.
If I thought I deserved it, they’d ache.
But I promise I will behave.
I will tip the maid.
Pass out before getting too drunk.
Throw small fish back into water.
Don’t feel bad on my account.
Stick around. Let’s have a drink.
Eat some cheese. Thank our lucky stars
we’re not who we think we are.
